I Gained Weight and I’m Kind of Proud

There it was, this chart that resembled the Rocky Mountains staring back at me. This was a very harsh reality that had gained a significant amount of weight over the past several years.

Now, this was the first time I saw actual numbers slapping me in the face. Since I was in college, I never ever looked at the scale. When I would go to the doctor I would back up like a garbage truck on that brutally honest piece of machinery and nervously tell the nurse “I don’t want to know my weight.” Then, I would step off blissfully unaware of those three digits.

The reason for the ritual was a consequence of many other rituals starting at the ripe old age of eight.   Since that sprit young age, I’ve had an eating disorder. You name it and I’ve had it; binging, purging, restricting, over exercising and under eating, and on and on and on. Not to mention the constitution I bestowed on myself of not eating items with more than 5 gams of fat, or baking indulgences for others and watching them savor it, or not eating a certain restaurants, because their food would send me into a tail-spin.

Everyone’s dealt with weight issues and insecurities; young, old, men, women, you name it! In college, I felt so insure with my body and style. My nights out would be consumed with wanting to take a hammer and chisel to my body so I could sculpt it into a beautiful long-legged statue that emulated the bright-eyed beauties, wearing the latest Forver21 fashions, which I was out with.

I always swore to myself I would never exceed a certain number on the scale or on my jeans. Well guess what? Even with daily workouts and majority healthy eating, I surpassed those numbers long ago. I’ve had two kids in two years and my body’s been through a lot of change. Just a few short years ago, if I saw the numbers that I witnessed at yesterday’s doctor’s appointment, I would’ve stopped eating, binged, purged, cried myself to sleep, and experienced copious amount of anxiety. Sounds dramatic, but part of the disorder that is difficult to control

Yes, it was very difficult and unnerving to see the weight gain. But instead of regressing back to my old rituals, I set a plan. Also, my family is aware of this, so they can keep an eye out for my old ways. There are going to be good days, and days where positivity is met with resistance. But I’m going to keep going to the gym and trying to make healthy choices.

Ultimately, I am not happy about my weight gain, but am proud of how I handled something that would’ve once almost killed me.

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4 thoughts on “I Gained Weight and I’m Kind of Proud

  1. you are so beautiful!!!! we are hard wired to place a value, some sort of self worth to an arbitrary number. it’s ridiculous!!! but it’s reality. i am so proud of you for continuing to fight to be healthy, both physically and mentally. it’s no small feat. for the longest time i derived my happiness from my reflection and the size of my clothes. it was only in recent history through the help of a therapist and my beyond amazing future husband that i came to truly love myself. thunder thighs, big booty, chicken wings, double chin, back fat and gut included. i realized the people i surrounded myself with were hardly perfect and i would never hold anyone to the standards i held myself to. i was being so hard on myself – life wasn’t enjoyable and i was certainly not happy. it’s always going to be an ongoing internal struggle. loving ourselves is so important though. we are so much more than a number. a size. our reflection. ❤ this!!!!!!!!! and you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : *

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    • You are so beautiful; inside and out. I am so glad that you have worked through all these things. I’ve always got your back, too, if you ever ned to chat. Here’s the thing, you make so many people’s lives so enjoyable. . . including mine. Keep being the amazing woman you are. Love you!

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